Linguistic humor, Rules for writing good

  1. About those sentence fragments.
  2. Always pick on the correct idiom.
  3. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
  4. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  5. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
  6. Avoid alliteration. Always.
  7. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  8. Avoid cliches like the plague. They're old hat.
  9. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  10. Be more or less specific.
  11. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
  12. Contractions aren't necessary.
  13. Corect spelling is esential.
  14. Do not put statements in the negative form.
  15. Don't be redundant and don't use more words than necessary or be highly superfluous.
  16. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
  17. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
  18. Don't use no double negatives.
  19. Don't write run-on sentences, they are hard to read.
  20. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  21. Employ the vernacular.
  22. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  23. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  24. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  25. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  26. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  28. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  29. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  30. Its important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
  31. Just between you and I, case is important.
  32. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  33. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
  34. One should never generalize.
  35. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  36. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  37. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
  38. Prepositions are terrible words to end sentences with.
  39. Proofread your writing to see if any words out and to avoid misteaks.
  40. Remember to never split an infinitive.
  41. Take the bull by the hand, and avoid mixing metaphors.
  42. The adverb always follows the verb.
  43. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  44. Understatement is absolutely, positively best.
  45. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
  46. Verbs has to agree with their subject.
  47. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  48. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

  49. Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague. (They're old hat.)