I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

JOHN LENNON

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations,

if you live near him.

J.R.R. TOLKIEN

We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

ANONYMOUS

Before I started working here I drank, smoked, and used foul language

for no reason at all. But thanks to this job, I now have a reason.

ANONYMOUS

O sibili si ergo

Fortibusis in ero

Nobili demis trux

Sevatis enim

Cousendux

ANONYMOUS

There is no such thing as a functional illiterate.

KELVIN THROOP

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

STEPHEN WRIGHT

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow

As Dame Fortune did intend,

Murphy would be there to tell me

The pot's at the other end.

BERT WHITNEY

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

BILL HOEST

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...

AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity,

and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

JOSEPH HELLER

Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.

ANONYMOUS

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

MURPHY'S LAW OF RESEARCH

POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'

("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).

Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.

MARTIN PITT

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

VAN ROY'S LAW

"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and

if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"

LEWIS CARROLL

The advancement of the arts, from year to year, taxes our credulity and

seems to presage the arrival of that period when human improvement must end.

HENRY ELSWORTH, US PATENT OFFICE, 1844

There comes a time in every man's life at lease once,

and I've had plenty of them.

CASEY STENGLE

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

ANONYMOUS

Heisenberg may have been here.

ANONYMOUS

I want to suggest to you today, that unless we have a tolerant attitude

toward mistakes - I might almost say "a positive attitude toward them" -

we shall be behaving irrationally, unscientifically, and unsuccessfully.

Now, of course, if you now say to me, "Look here, you weird Limey, are you

seriously advocating relaunching the Edsel?" I will reply, "No."

There are mistakes - and mistakes. There are true, copper-bottom mistakes

like spelling the word "rabbit" with three Ms; wearing a black bra under a

white shirt; or, to take a more masculine example, starting a land war in Asia.

These are the kind of mistakes described by Mr. David Letterman as

Brushes With Stupidity, because they have no reasonable chance of success.

JOHN CLEESE

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.

Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

RANDOM SHACK DATA PROCESSING DICTIONARY

So naturalists observe, a flea

hath smaller fleas that on him prey;

And these have smaller still to bite 'em;

and so proceed ad infinitum.

JONATHAN SWIFT

I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of docu-

mentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool.

JOSEPH COSTELLO, PRESIDENT OF CADENCE

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.

P.J. O'ROURKE

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

INDIAN PROVERB

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises

shall be liable to a fine of one pound.

Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

RULE 46, OXFORD UNION SOCIETY, LONDON

The reason why worry kills more people than work

is that more people worry than work.

ROBERT FROST

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

URSULA K. LEGUIN

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

SAMUEL GOLDWYN

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

STEPHEN WRIGHT

Football combines two of the worst things about American life.

It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.

GEORGE WILL

You simply *must* stop taking advice from other people.

MELISSA TIMBERMAN

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

ANONYMOUS

On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson.

On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and

Dennis Hopper--all your choices should be so easy.

SANDRA BERNHARD

Contrasting this modest effort [of Seymour Cray in his laboratory to build

the CDC 6600] with 34 people including the janitor with our vast development

activities, I fail to understand why we have lost our industry leadership

position by letting someone else offer the world's most powerful computer.

THOMAS J. WATSON, IBM PRESIDENT, 1965

It seems Mr. Watson has answered his own question.

SEYMOUR CRAY

Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway.

JAMES WESLEY JACKSON

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

VINCE LOMBARDI

Ninety percent of the game is half mental.

YOGI BERRA

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.

BORIS YELTSIN

Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a

high powered rifle and scope.

P.J. O'ROURKE

They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus.

Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.

WILLIAM H. JEFFERYS

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

STEPHEN WRIGHT

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

YOGI BERRA

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius

has it's limits.

ANONYMOUS

We have deep depth.

YOGI BERRA

We made too many wrong mistakes.

YOGI BERRA

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

CASEY STENGEL

Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin...

THE KNIGHTS WHO SO RECENTLY SAID "NEE!"

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to

constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every

appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA

statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This

also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

FORTRAN MANUAL FOR XEROX COMPUTERS

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog it's too dark too read.

GROUCHO MARX

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.

HEYWOOD BROUN

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

YOGI BERRA

Please provide the date of your death.

ACTUAL IRS LETTER

"Where am I?" "In the village."

"Whose side are you on?" "That would be telling."

"What do you want?" "Information, we want information."

"You won't get it." "By hook or by crook we will."

"Who are you?" "The new number two."

"Who is number one?" "You are number six."

"I am not a number, I am a free man!" "AAAAAHHHHH HA HA HA HA..."

THE PRISONER -- OPENING DIALOGUE

I live in San Francisco, where Halloween is redundant.

WILL DURST

When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.

AYN RAND

The trouble with self-made men is that they worship their creator.

ANONYMOUS

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

SAMUEL GOLDWYN

Well, I believe in the soul. The cock. The pussy. The small of a woman's back.

The hanging curve ball. High fiber. Good scotch. That the novels of Susan

Sontag are self-indulgent over rated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted

alone. I believe there oughta be a Constitutional Amendment outlawing astroturf

and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft core pornography,

opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve.

And I believe in long slow deep soft wet kisses that last three days.

CRASH DAVIS (KEVIN COSTNER), BULL DURHAM

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

EMO PHILIPS