Each line contains a clue to a Greek letter:

"testing soon-to-be-released software" is Beta;
"an arbitrarily small amount" is Epsilon;
"the leader of the wolf-pack" is Alpha;
"wildebeest" is gnu is Nu;
"standard deviation" is Sigma;
"the philosophy of Lao Tzu" is Tao is Tau;
"helium nuclei" is Alpha;
"that gay-rights litigation group" is Lambda;
"that comedian, Val" is Kappa;
"radiation... the Incredible Hulk" is Gamma;
"the tiniest bit" is Iota;
"A-number-one" is Alpha;
"Like they say in Yiddish: so?" is Nu;
"Tel Aviv University" is TAU is Tau;
"the bend in your colon" is sigmoid is Sigma;
"Romeo in a fancy Italian car" is Alfa is Alpha;
"jot" is Iota;
"We love to fly. And it shows" is Delta.

If you transliterate each of these letters into their English equivalents,
you get BEANSTALK GIANT SAID. What the beanstalk giant said is "Fee Fie
Foe Fum". The Greek letter clued by this is PHI, and that's the solution
to the puzzle.