Linguistic humor, Helpful phrases for work

Source: Via Christine Biser.

Vaguely language-related.

On the offensive (a.k.a. fight) On the defensive (a.k.a. flight)
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

Ah, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

Who, me? I just wander from room to room.