Linguistic humor

Linguistic humor, Instructions (with comments)

"Linguistic" is perhaps being interpreted too broadly here. But how could I resist? Allegedly, these instructions are taken from actual instructions or warning labels.

Product Instruction or warning Comment
On a Sears hair dryer Do not use while sleeping. Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair!
On a bag of Fritos You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. The shoplifter special!
On a bar of Dial soap Directions: Use like regular soap. And how would that be?
On some Swanson frozen dinners Serving suggestion: Defrost. Remember, that's just a suggestion!
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box Fits one head. ??!!
On the bottom of the box containing Tesco's Tiramisu dessert Do not turn upside down. Too late! You lose!
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding Product will be hot after heating. Are you sure?
On packaging for a Rowenta iron Do not iron clothes on body. But wouldn't that save time?
On Boot's Children's cough medicine Do not drive car or operate machinery. Yup, keep those kids off those fork lifts.
On Nytol sleep aid Warning: May cause drowsiness. Are you sure?
On a Korean kitchen knife Warning: Keep out of children. Or pets, for that matter! What's for dinner?
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights For indoor or outdoor use only. As opposed to underground or on the space shuttle.
On a Japanese food processor Not to be used for the other use. Darn!
On Sainsbury's peanuts Warning: Contains nuts. I see.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. Darn, I was thinking of pelting the other passengers.
On a Swedish chainsaw Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. Could you run that by me again?
On a child's Superman costume Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!

Product	Instruction or warning	Comment
On a Sears hair dryer	Do not use while sleeping.	Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair!
On a bag of Fritos	You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.	The shoplifter special!
On a bar of Dial soap	Directions: Use like regular soap.	And how would that be?
On some Swanson frozen dinners	Serving suggestion: Defrost.	Remember, that's just a suggestion!
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box	Fits one head.	??!!
On the bottom of the box containing Tesco's Tiramisu dessert	Do not turn upside down.	Too late! You lose!
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding	Product will be hot after heating.	Are you sure?
On packaging for a Rowenta iron	Do not iron clothes on body.	But wouldn't that save time?
On Boot's Children's cough medicine	Do not drive car or operate machinery.	Yup, keep those kids off those fork lifts.
On Nytol sleep aid	Warning: May cause drowsiness.	Are you sure?
On a Korean kitchen knife	Warning: Keep out of children.	Or pets, for that matter! What's for dinner?
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights	For indoor or outdoor use only.	As opposed to underground or on the space shuttle.
On a Japanese food processor	Not to be used for the other use.	Darn!
On Sainsbury's peanuts	Warning: Contains nuts.	I see.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts	Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.	Darn, I was thinking of pelting the other passengers.
On a Swedish chainsaw	Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.	Could you run that by me again?
On a child's Superman costume	Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.	Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!